Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
