Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
this boner is exhausting
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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