96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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