the condom got lost in my hair
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
