I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
