I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
