Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
