i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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