I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
