i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
