My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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