i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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