3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize