youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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