We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
