What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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