you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
