I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
