my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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