you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
