His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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