I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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