watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
