Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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