I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
