This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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