he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
