you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
