So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
