:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You ate ashes out of my bong
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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