there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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