I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
even my farts smell like vagina
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize