I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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