My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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