totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
