also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
