Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
