Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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