shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
