Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
