You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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