don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
