I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
