it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
