I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And then my night got REAL pukey
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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