I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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