There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
