If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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