the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
