i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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