What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
