I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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