guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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