I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
