PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
