My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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