even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
