Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
