WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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