Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
