Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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