Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
