I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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